Getting help from others

flower lamppost webMost people find they need help from other people to make a full recovery.

This could mean help from people you already know, or from others, and often from both.

This page explains the people who may be able to help you, and how to access this support.

Help from people close to you
Some people find family, friends or social groups including faith groups provide important support at this time. Talking about how you feel or just having a hug may help enormously.

This is much better than bottling up your emotions.

On the other hand, you may feel you don't have this support. You may find it hard to talk to people around you because they are grieving too and experiencing different emotions at different times. You may feel these people aren't close enough or don't understand you.

People around you might want to help you but not know where to start.

If you are having difficulty communicating with people around you, it may help to read this advice together. This can help explain feelings and make it easier to support each other.

Helping children
In many ways, children have the same needs as adults. Children want to know what has happened and be given opportunities to talk about it and feel involved and loved.

It is much better to tell children things than keep them in the dark. Children have powerful imaginations and they may imagine something even worse than the truth if you don't include them.

ChildrensbookSomeone has died in a road crash is a children’s picture book by Brake, available in English, Te Reo Maori and Chinese (simplified). It is for children of any age to read with an adult. The book helps children to understand what is happening and talk about their feelings and the future with their carers. It also provides workbook space for writing down memories. Call Brake on +64 (0)21 407 953, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or fill in our quick order form for a free copy.

Help from bereavement charities
Some people find it helps to contact a charity that supports people bereaved suddenly, or bereaved specifically by road crashes.

Different charities may offer different services, for example emotional support and information helplines, support literature, face to face support in your home, group meetings, or holiday retreats. 

Some charity services are staffed by professionals with qualifications and experience in providing support to suddenly bereaved people. Others are staffed by volunteers who have experienced a similar bereavement themselves.

Some charities are well resourced and can offer a range of help right away. Others may have funding restrictions and limited services or waiting lists.

For a list of charities, visit our Links page. Your doctor or someone else in your community may be able to tell you about additional local services.

Help from an expert therapist
It is common for the feelings described in our information on 'Emotions and feelings' to begin to subside gradually and go away, even though you are still grieving. However, it is also common to find some or all these feelings don't go away. They may come and go, or even get worse.

If it is a month or more after your bereavement and you are still suffering feelings intensely, it is time to consider seeking help recovering. It is not a sign of weakness to do this. You have suffered a terrible event and are correctly putting your welfare first so you can have a positive future.

The recommended help for people who have suffered a sudden bereavement and have ongoing trauma symptoms is often 10 confidential one-on-one sessions, with a psychological therapist who has training and experience in helping suddenly bereaved people to recover. Usually, this happens regularly, for example once a week for several months.

Your symptoms may be described by medical personnel as post-traumatic stress disorder or depression resulting from traumatic grief. This is normal and just a way of defining your symptoms so professionals can help you appropriately.

Finding the right therapist for you
A first step is to visit your doctor and explain you have been suddenly bereaved, explain all your symptoms, and ask if they can provide access to an appropriately qualified and experienced therapist.

You can talk to your doctor even if your bereavement happened a long time ago.

Some doctors may have a better understanding than others of how to help. Some doctors have access to qualified and experienced therapists and others may not, or not know about them. Show your doctor these pages to help them understand your request.

If your doctor cannot refer you quickly to an appropriate therapist, you may wish, if you have available funds, to seek help privately. Therapists often advertise and are members of professional associations for therapists. It is important to check that any therapist you choose is qualified and experienced in supporting people bereaved suddenly.

I know someone else who needs help
If someone else may need help, such as another family member, show them these pages. You cannot force someone to get help, but you can give them information to help them make their own decisions. It may also be possible for a health professional to approach someone for you.

You can also ask on behalf of any children you care for. Children can benefit from therapy just as much as adults, and there are therapists who specialise in working with suddenly bereaved children.

Hopefully you will find your therapist effective. However, some people find they have to try several therapists, a bit like trying several different drugs to cure a difficult illness. If you don't feel your therapist is helping, you may wish to try someone different, always checking they are qualified and experienced.

Drug treatments
You may be offered drugs by your doctor, such as sleeping tablets or anti-depressants.

Some suddenly bereaved people find some drugs helpful at certain times and for certain reasons. Other people prefer never to take drugs.

Drugs may mask rather than cure symptoms, may impede your ability to function normally, may have a range of side effects, and may be addictive and difficult to give up.

You are recommended to consider carefully and discuss with your doctor the purpose and risks of any drugs you are offered and the duration over which you may take them. Expert therapy is the recommended treatment for suddenly bereaved people suffering ongoing trauma symptoms, not drugs.

Sad times and happiness again
Many suddenly bereaved people who are starting to feel generally more positive about life and are recovering from their shock symptoms find that bad days and sad thoughts still occur. This is a normal part of grieving.

For some people this happens particularly at times such as anniversaries. Sometimes something small such as a smell, sound, comment, or photograph can trigger sad emotions.

When something good happens it is sad the event cannot be shared with the person who died.

But it should gradually become easier to have happy thoughts about someone who has died and the joy they brought to the world. It should become easier for you to enjoy life and the experiences it brings.

For many people, being happy again is a wonderful way to respect someone who has died and the joys of life. It is not disloyal to someone who has died to feel happiness again.

Click to go to the contents page for Coping with Grief.

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